I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
