i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
