my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
