So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
