She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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