Moan for me like Helen Keller
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
of course. lets lasso hookers.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
