the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
