I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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