don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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