I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
he shaved USA in his pubs
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
