I don't usually arrange sex via text message
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
