I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
