I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
