just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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