my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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