Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
