apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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