I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
