also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
