the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You made out with two different species that night
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I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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