Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
