THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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