just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
