new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
