wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
