i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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