my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
