i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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