I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
