I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
