Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
