Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I deserve this hangover.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
