you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
