I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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