some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
