Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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