i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
