my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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