Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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