i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
