we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
