i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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