You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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