OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
