Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
