In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
