If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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