last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
