ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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