Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
