Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
