I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
