Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
