I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
