My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
