its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
