Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
